MARCH 13, 2015 - When your child is accused

Kids, I read this in an article today and wanted to share it. As a parent I found myself in these situations more often then I cared to be there and a suspect you will be also.

"In situations where you as a parent are confronted about something your child did or said that hurt another person, I encourage you to hear your child's side of it before you implicate her/him. If you find that he/she really had no intention to hurt someone, please stand up for her/him. It may be appropriate for him/her to apologize for how she/he came across to his/her friend or to sympathize with his/her friend’s pain. Explain this, but never make her/him apologize for being themselves! If he/she is made to apologize for “being mean” or for “being bossy,” he/she may grow to believe that he/she IS mean or bossy and he/she will just create more of that!  Be sure to separate the action from the child. The child should not be made to apologize for who they are, but rather for what they have done that is hurtful.

Also, your proven loyalty to your child and your commitment to believe the best about him/her will endear her/him to you. That’s a huge investment in their teenage years when they will need an ally and when you will want them to be close to you!"

This is only a single paragraph out of the article, but it rings true to me. I think it can apply to anything that a child is accused of: being a bully, being mean, being dishonest, etc. Be careful not to label children. Children believe their parents and if you tell them they are "_____", that is what they will be. So, fill that blank in with good things; kind, honest, helpful, happy, etc. When correcting wrong behavior, be sure not to the label the child, but label the action instead, and deal with it that way.

MAY 28, 2014 - If You Expect Politeness, You Must Be Polite

I have taken a two year vacation from this blog. Many many times I have thought, "I need to write that up in Parenting Points", but then I never got around to it. I am going to try again. Perhaps I will rethink of all those things and pass them on. Perhaps I won't. Who knows? Anyway, this is what has been on my mind for a few days now so I will pass it on to you all.
      We, as parents, expect (or at least want) our children to pay attention to us when we ask for their attention. If we say, "Come here", we want them to go do it now not in 15 minutes. If we say, "come to dinner" we want them to stop what they are doing and come sit at the table. This is more then just obedience, this is common courtesy. But common courtesy is a two way road and often adults forget that in working with children. We expect their instant attention when we ask for it, but have a hard time reciprocating when they ask for ours. And even in our interaction with our spouses we sometimes fail to teach common courtesy by example. How will a child know how to act when what seems to be expected of them is at odds with the example their parents set? For instance: if a parent must always "finish the game" before they can leave the electronic device to do something their spouse or child asks, you can pretty well expect a child to not understand (and get very indignant about) being expected to leave in the middle of something to do the thing a parent wants them to do.  The child has learned from observation that whatever is happening on the electronic device (or in the game, or with the toy) is more important than responding to another person. Common courtesy is paying attention to people; putting people first; responding to and thus acknowledging them. Don't let things appear to be more important than people. At least acknowledge the request and give a time frame for when it will be addressed. Adults expect it of each other, but sometimes spouses fail to practice it with each other and children see that. Adults also very often fail to practice it with children because they do not see that the child's concern is really of any consequence. This may be the case, but not to the child. And if we continually fail to give children the common courtesy of attention when asked we can only expect that they will follow our example and fail to give it to us.
      Children will do what they see their parents do. If you expect them to stop what they are doing and come, then let them see you stopping what you are doing and coming. When they ask for your attention, give it to them right then or give them a valid reason why you can't and a time frame when you will. If your spouse asks for your attention, give it then. On the other hand, it also needs to be taught that your requests cannot be frivolous.  Be sure that if you request attention that there is a reason for it and, again by example,  it will help your kids understand the difference.
      Teaching courtesy has always been a challenge but today's world presents even a greater challenge in the form of electronic gadgets. Too often I have seen someone too involved in a computer, tablet, smart phone etc, to pay attention to someone else. (And I am very guilty of this myself) Every time this happens, that person is essentially telling the other person that the electronic whatever is more important then they are. It is a terrible of breach of common courtesy and our children fail to learn something that will benefit them the rest of their lives - common courtesy.

MAY 2012 - BECOMING

I'm not sure how well I can explain what I'm thinking right now. I believe this mortal life is all about "Becoming" and sometimes we fail to remember that. We are born into this world into a totally self centered mortal body which is, in all ways, an enemy to God. And from there, we are to Become Christ like is our actions and thoughts. I remember as a young girl complaining to my mother that no one really knew the "real me" because I seemed to always be putting on an act. I remember one of my children expressing a similar thought to me. I remember in college thinking that I was only "acting" like I had a testimony because I was expected to have one, and I worried that it was all an act and that I didn't really have one. I was probably right. But, I now understand that is the way to "become". Act as if you are something and eventually you will become that. Plutarch said "Character is simply habit long continued". If I act like a Christ like person long enough, I will become a Christ like person. It is true. Even the Savior told us this. First you must act in faith, hoping to believe, and after the trial of your faith, you will recieve the confirmation. I act as if I believe the principle of Tithing by paying tithing and afterwords I recieve a testimony of it's truthfulness. I act as if I have the faith to be healed, and I eventually find that I do have the faith to be healed. I become that which I have acted upon. I think of my mother's life and legacy. Those who never knew my mother before the last years of her life never saw her dynamic leadership skills. She was such a force for good, because she led by doing that which she wanted others to do. And, they most often would follow her lead and because of that, much good was accomplished. Did my mother consider herself a dynamic leader? Absolutely not! And I suspect she was not to begin with, but she acted as she thought a leader should act, and she became that kind of leader. In my older age, I find I have become what I acted as in my youth. Luckily, the example from my parents and others important in my life had me "acting" like the right kind of person. So, how does this apply to parenting? As young parents you are still "becoming" the kind of parent you want to be and the Lord wants you to be. Your children are just starting on the road to "becoming" the people you and the Lord know they can be. I want you to know it is okay to act. It is okay to pretend you can control your anger. Keep acting that way long enough and you will eventaully be able to control your temper. Teach your children to "act" reverent in church and during prayer. Eventaully they will learn to "be" reverent. Teach and expect your children to act kindly toward their siblings and eventually they will learn kindness. It may take much longer than you wish it would because mortals are born with inate stubborness. But, it can and will happen if you keep at it. Set the example of what you and your children should be "acting" like and you and they will find yourselves "becoming" that.

MARCH 2012 One child's punishment should not be another child's reward

In the past few months I have noticed a trend in parenting that concerns me. I have seen it now in several different situations but it is essentially the same idea. A child is being punished for misbehavior or a bad choice and that punishment involves rewarding a sibling. In church a young boy in front of me started acting up. The mother took the fruit snacks out of his hand and gave them to his brother saying "you don't get this treat because you aren't behaving". The younger sibling got the fruit snacks and stuck his tongue out at the older boy and they proceeded to glare at each other the rest of the hour. I have heard a parent actually tell a child that if they don't behave their sibling will get their ice cream, or their balloon, or whatever. What a mistake! Do you think that sibling is intereted in helping the other child make a good choice now? I suspect he/she is much more interested in making sure the child makes the wrong choice. I mean really, he/she will get rewarded if the wrong choice is made. Those parents think they are punishing a child but they are simply rewarding one child for another childs mistakes. And what are they teaching the children? That they, the parents, play favorites. That one child is "better" than the other. That you don't have to do something good to be rewarded, you just need to make sure your sibbling does something bad. Not a good way to teach unity and love in the family! We need siblings helping each other, supporting each other, not working against each other!
Never punish one child by rewarding another. Punishment should never involve another child at all. Put the toy in the toy jail. Put the treat in the garbage. But don't award it to another child.

Feb. 2012 - What More Could I Have Done?

The Scriptures are full of parenting points. When you read your scriptures each day you should watch specifically for what you can learn about parenting. You will find something pretty much every time. I have been studying the allegory of the tame and wild olive trees in Jacob 5. On page 129 the Lord asks repeatedly, "What more could I have done? Have I slackened mine hand? What could I have done more?" You can almost hear the pain and pleading in His voice. Parenting is hard. It is not, and will never be, pain free. When you sign on to be a parent, you sign on for a life time of hope, of joy, of new experiences and, yes, sometimes of pain. Pain for the child and pain because of the child. What I want you to learn from this specific scriptural example is that the Lord can ask, What more could I have done? and know that there really was nothing more that He could have done. The hardest part of getting older is realizing all the things I should have done that I did not do. And ALL of those things that bother me most pertain to family. I should have prioritized my life much more around teaching my family spiritually. I should have been more diligent in holding FHE, studying scriptures with them (and myself), having family prayer. I should have been a better example. I should have shown more love. I should have!!! However, I also know that we are mortal and we cannot do all things - it is not possible. And so, perhaps I can say "I tried my hardest under the circumstances I was in. I could not have done more at that time under those circumstances." I want you to live now so that you are able to say that later. Just like nations, our children have their agency. They choose their course. Our greatest prayers and hopes are that they will choose righteously. But we must live and teach in our families such that we give them every possible chance to choose that good path.

SEPTEMBER 11, 2011 - JUST LOVE THEM

One night, many years ago, I was awake in the middle of the night and I was crying. One of my children was going through a very hard time at school. I watched them deal with pain and hurt and I wanted so badly to help. I wanted to make the hurt go away. I wanted to make it all better. Isn't that what mom's are supposed to do? Yet I could not see any thing I could do. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. And so I was crying because I could hardly stand the hurt that I was feeling for that child. The pain of parenting is real and it has nothing to do with having a baby. The kind of intense love you feel for your child can, and will, sometimes lead to the most intense pain you will ever know. The saying goes that a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child has a lot of truth in it. If you haven't already experienced this, you will. As your children grow and leave the safety of your home, as they go out into the cold cruel world at such young ages, you feel it more and more because you are not in control of their lives from sun-up to sun-down. You may want to lash out at the world, the teacher, the other children, the situation, or whatever seems to be the cause of the pain. But this very rarely helps, and often will make things worse. You will sometimes want to gather those children around you and turn your back on the world - keep them away from the world and the hurt it seems to cause. But, that is not possible. Children must grow up. And so they, and you through them, will experience those hard growing up times. On that night many years ago I desperately sought the Lord's help and I sought His peace. I pleaded with Him to know what to do to help this child. I received an answer. It was very clear and very simple and not at all what I expected. The Lord simply said to LOVE THE CHILD. Make absolutely certain that they know they are loved at home, accepted at home, secure at home. Who they are, just as they are, is a good acceptable person to be. Make home a safe place - safe from hurt, safe from teasing, safe from fighting, safe from comparing, safe from belittling, safe from fear, safe. Yes, the child will still face hurt and pain in the world, but they will always have a safe pain-free place to come back to - a place where they are accepted and loved. It hurts me terribly now to know that many children in this painful hurt-filled world do not have a safe place to retreat to. Their homes are as full of pain as the world is. What a terrible thing to have no place to go. Make sure your children have that safe place - make sure your home is that kind of refuge from the world.

JULY 24, 2011 - HIS PLAN

Okay, I'm branching out a bit. This isn't exactly a parenting point, it is more a living point. You must all understand and accept this, and then teach it to your children and hopefully your children will also learn to understand and accept it. I have come to realize that ALL things are done according to the Word of God - or according to His plan. 1 Nephi 17:31 "...according to his word he did destroy them; and according to his word he did lead them; and according to his word he did do all things for them; and there was not ANY THING DONE save it were by his word." In the end, all things are done by His word. I think this means by His power and according to His plan. He (the Lord) says it will be done and it is done - from something as large as the creation to something as seemingly insignificant as my life. And the amazing thing is, His plan is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39) So, if my reasoning is correct, if we just follow His plan and let things unfold as He wills, it will lead us to immortality and eternal life. So why in the world do we fight it so much? Why do we, in our great mortal wisdom, think we know what's best for us? Why do we persist in insisting that we know ourselves better than the lord knows us; that we know what we need to progress better than the Lord does? Why do we stubbornly think that disobediece is in some way showing our independence? "I can think for myself. I can do what I want". Is that really a good reason for disobedience? Rather, disobedience shows our ignorance and stubborness - disobedience is childish and selfcentered. The very things we are trying to teach our children not to be. Do we really ever grow up in this world? Sometimes I wonder. So it boils down to this: I can either have faith that the Lord's plan REALLY is to bring me to immortality and eternal life and that He only wants what is best for me and then get in line and follow His will (choose to be obedient) or I can refuse to believe He wants only what is best for me and choose to follow my own plan (and it would be the height of arrogance to believe that my plan would ever take me anywhere close to eternal life or happiness). Kids, please, I beg you to put your faith in the Lord's plan. Bend your will to His - no relinquish your will to His. I know how hard that is to do - our Pride gets in the way constantly - but it is the only way to happiness and peace. The only way you will ever reach your astoundingly great potential.
I know this is long, but I need to add this side note. Sometimes our pride tells us that we are specail and need special consideration. Well, we are special, but no we don't need special consideration - the Lord designed the commandments for everyone and any individual tuning will be minor and, through personal revelation, we will be lead accordingly. EVERYONE is commanded to go to church, live the word of wisdom, etc. etc. but when it comes to that commandment which is harder or hardest for us to obey, we expect the Lord to make an exception for us, or change it just a little for us. When I was young I didn't want to accept that my role was to be "only a mother and wife". It seemed degrading. I wanted "more". I wanted to change the world, be a driving force for good or some such thing - I think my pride craved the accolades of man. I could not see that when the Lord said "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children" he was telling me that is where I would find my greatest happiness. That commandment was for me, but my pride made it hard to accept. I have been shown the error of my own judgement. There is NOTHING in this life that could have brought me more joy or fulfillment than having and raising children. I know that now, but I could not see it then. At that time I thought being different, being exceptional, was what would bring me happiness. I have other commandments that are hard for me to obey and sometimes I want to think that maybe I am an exception - that surely the Lord understands why I can't totally obey that commandment or that I have extra needs that He hasn't taken into consideration. Oh fool that I am. When will I learn? The Lord wants the immortality and eternal life of all His children, and has designed the commandments to that end. You and I are included in that group - the commandments are for me and you - ALL of them, just as they are. Put your faith in the Lord and His plan. He knows you so much better than you know yourself. If you can't accept that, you will never be motivated enough to be totally obedient, and you will never reach your potential or have complete joy.

MARCH 13, 2011 - INTENTIONAL CHOICES

I was able to attend a regional Relief Society gathering where Sister Beck opened the scriptures to us for 2 hours. She simply asked for questions and then answered them from the scriptures. It was a phenomenal experience. I want to pass on one of the things I learned at that meeting. Sister Beck asked women to "be very intentioanl about what is allowed into your home." One of the primary roles of women in the Lord's plan is to make homes that are secure havens. The Lord needs the sisters to "shut out, protect, put up walls", do everything they can to protect their homes and families from the onslot of the world. She went on to stress how the world (Satan) is aiming straight at women. "Look in the stores, the magazines, the clothes. We must be very intentional in our choices." And then she made this very interesting comment, "Sisters, don't BE the pornography in your homes." She was speaking to us women, but let me enlarge this to include the men, our wonderful husbands who we truly love. You are the leadership in our homes. We may occasionally wish otherwise, but however hard we try to set an atmosphere in the home, or put up those walls of protection, if you will not or do not help maintain those walls they WILL NOT STAND. In your example alone you can undo everything we strive to achieve. And even more scary, if, by your choices, you bring the enemy right into our living rooms, how then can your wife maintain that safe haven? Yes, it is the role of women to try to make a home that is a spiritural island from the world, but it is the role of men to provide the means and support for her to do so.

FEB. 7, 2011 - WHAT DO YOUR CHILDREN KNOW?

At our Stake Conference and the last few Sunday meetings, we have been bombarded with encouragement to teach and train our children (and grandchildren). If you were to see my notes from the past few Sundays it seems that is about the only topic. Elder R.M.Nelson asked, "If all your children knew about the Gsopel was what you had taught them, what would they know?" I'm mightly glad that many others taught my children because I fear they would not know much if it was just from me. And yet, can we assume that others will teach them and teach them what we want them to learn? Please don't assume your children will just pick things up at church or from your example. You need to TEACH it. Tell them your beliefs, your moral guidelines, your testimony. At a crucial time in a child's or youth's life that testimony may make all the difference in an important choice. We only have once - one time to raise our children. Teach them while they are small. A young child is much more receptive and will accept council from parents much more readily. Don't wait to teach, thinking that it will get easier when they are older - that is simply NOT the case. If you think it is hard to get a 2 or 4 year old to pray or have FHE or read scriptures with you, I promise you that it won't get any easier when they are 6, 10 or 12 - in fact it will get harder, much harder, if you have not already established the habits. Of course you won't be able to teach them everything, but just keep trying. Elder Nelson also said, "The time will surely come when they may not know everything, but they will know enough to make a correct choice at a crucial time." Pray for guidance. In this most important work, the Lord will let you know what you need to teach and how to do it. Just don't give up!

Nov. 17,2010 - NEVER SAY "N0" IF YOU CAN POSSIBLY SAY "YES"

Leslie is preparing a Sacrament Meeting talk and called and asked me about this thought which she has heard me say before. "In raising children, my mother taught me to never say "no" to a child without a reason". I always thought she meant that sometimes we say "no" just out of convenience or without even hearing the child out. Thus, before we say "no" we should know, ourselves, why we are saying "no". If there is a valid reason then of course we say "no" and we don't necessarily even have to explain our reason to the child - they often won't understand or agree with the reason anyway and it will just invite argument. But if we find that we are saying "no" just because it wasn't our idea, or because we just don't want to be bothered, maybe that is not a good enough reason to say "no". In other words, don't let "no" be your automatic answer. Think before you say "no". Don't say "no" without a reason.
Then, when I was reading the book Glimpses into the Life and heart of Marjaorie Pay Hinckley I found a very similar thought. Here is what she said:
"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust children. I tried hard never to say "no" if I could possibly say "yes." I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could." (from Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley, page 55)
Her advice is very similar to my mother's. Either way, I think it is a good child rearing philosophy.
I did try to keep this in mind when raising my children.